Starting Somewhere

Most people who are reading this will already know a good part of this story, but for anyone unlucky enough to stumble across this piece of the internet I will do my best to explain. My daughter was diagnosed on September 19th 2016 with a terminal and inoperable brain tumor called (DIPG). Without going into too much detail on the diagnosis (although I will eventually get into that later i imagine) it was something that I can’t explain properly in words. I was told that the person I loved the most on this earth was going to die in the next 3-24 months. This wasn’t a direct result of anything that I did, or anyone did for that matter, it was just her randomly developing the worst pediatric cancer in the world. Nothing to tangibly rage against except the universe and the fact that such a great kid has the worst fucking luck that life can deal out.

I realized pretty quickly post diagnosis that I needed to develop or introduce some kind of creative or expressive outlet to help me deal with all of the trauma that I have been experiencing in my life. I had always wanted to be a writer, but a lack of vision or direction or whatever had always put a stop to that before i could even get started. I ended up focusing my talent to bullshit via written word into my career as a recruiter and before that as a salesman. Drawing upon inspiration from people I know in my life that are really fucking good at this I am going to try and figure out a way to express myself and my feelings about this on this page.

Christ knows if this will actually help, but I have a strong feeling that it might and most importantly it will help me remember. Because the singular most terrifying thing I am dealing with is the fear that I will forget. Forget her, forget this pain, forget how much I love her, forget how appreciative I am, forget how cursed I am, forget this awful path I have to walk, forget to repay the love I have gotten from people in my life, forget the anger I have for people not there for me and most importantly forget about my life prior to September 19th, 2016, when I was the luckiest jerk in the world with a great family and wonderful life.

So I am going to do this. I am not sure exactly why or how often or even if I will give up on this after a month or two. But I think it will help, or at least I hope it will. Thanks for reading.



8 thoughts on “Starting Somewhere

  1. Hubie

    This a wonderful start for you and your family. Keep writing and keep talking and keep loving is the best thing you can do right now. There is a glimmer of hope and you need to keep that in perspective as you move forward and cherish every day for all of the time that she has – be it 6 months or 80 years. So much love and support is behind you!! Keep writing for you and for us!!


  2. Jennifer Ludwigsen

    “Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” ~ Graham Greene

    Welcome to the therapeutic blogging world, friend, where words may not fix anything around us, but heal, sentence by sentence, within. Here and listening and reading and embracing your posts with loving arms.


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